Overview of topics
Reasons for an affair
One of the main reasons why people risk having an affair is unfulfilled sexual desire. To understand where this dissatisfaction comes from, one has to look at the biological backgrounds of both men and women. The fact is that men reach their sexual prowess around age 30. For women the most active sexual phase lies between 30 and 35 years of age. So for a fulfilling love life within a relationship there is merely a window of a few years. It’s possible that as the libido of the male begins to wane, the female mutates into an insatiable sex addict. If this is the case, the man is often plagued by feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt which, in the last resort, frequently lead to unfaithfulness.
How should the man or woman know what the partner prefers if sexual fantasies are not openly discussed? Often these topics are intentionally not addressed so not to scare the other partner away. At the end of the day, nobody wants to be looked at as an abnormal oddball if he or she dreams of rape-like fantasies in the bedroom or wild sex in public. Instead of opening up to their partner, most opt for an uncomplicated and discrete affair. If one were to ask a married man at a BDSM party why his wife isn’t there, he’d probably answer that the mother of his children is too “proper” for these types of sexual practices.
Someone who uses affairs to achieve sexual validation is a notorious philanderer who evidently suffers from some kind of sexual addiction. For such people, each new sexual adventure is looked upon as a kind of trophy and the more trophies the person has, the better he or she feels. Sex addiction is not caused by a dysfunctional relationship but can point to low self-esteem and an extreme sense of insecurity.
Why primarily always more men want to escape their daily routine is obvious. When a man came home from a hard day’s work in the past, he could expect that familiar, cozy togetherness with his wife. When he comes home today he’s met by the chaos of a young family including a crying baby, an unfinished building site and endless discussions in bed at night. It’s no wonder that a man takes a break from his duties as a father and husband by coming home later and later from work each night in order to spend time with the affair he’s having at the office instead. When a man is only plagued by emotional, family and financial problems and he’s not getting enough sex in his marriage, a love affair can’t be too far off.
For many, an affair including passion and butterflies in one’s stomach is considerably more appealing than a perennial relationship in which eroticism has abated. The lust for someone else is a special type of hormone cocktail which can fluster and unnerve both men and women. It’s not possible for most people to resist their own instincts and erotic fantasies and the result is often an affair, an extended affair or in some cases, even a new relationship.
That people under the influence of alcohol lose their natural inhibitions is nothing new. And many of us have certainly already made negative experiences in this respect. When alcohol and drugs are involved, the border between a harmless flirt and unrestrained sex is quickly crossed. When lovers wake up the next morning next to a strange person, they ask themselves dumbfoundedly how this ever could have happened.
In many relationships, dealing with daily crisis management and problems is in the foreground while couples miss out on any loving togetherness. Tender caresses while passing by, foot massages after dinner or cuddling up in bed are acts which first make a partnership intimate and familiar. Also, small gestures such as compliments, small gifts, respect and recognition are things that belong to a healthy relationship. The absence of attention and lack of affection are frequently the reasons for the growing desire for an alternate partner.
Above all, couples that have already been with each other for decades run the risk of suffering a midlife crisis. In the majority of cases it strikes men around the age of 40 who rush into an affair for fear they’re going to miss something. To test his market value and catch up on sexual experiences he missed during his adolescence, the husband cheats on his partner again and again. The wife senses something but backs down nevertheless and remains silent. A once passionate marriage turns into a nonsexual relationship which can last for years or might even last until the end of the spouse’s life. In this hopeless constellation, the man is the winner as he enjoys both a passionate sex life with his lover and a secure and familiar home with his wife.
Having an affair out of revenge is practiced in most instances by women according to a motto along the lines of “do unto others as they do unto you”. Indeed this type of affair doesn’t solve any problems but it gives the betrayed woman more satisfaction than any other kind of vengeance. Thirty percent of all betrayed women try to restore their injured sense of female pride by means of a lustful night of sex. As a partner for their fling they usually choose a person they know and trust. This person has no emotional meaning to them in day-to-day affairs but he is someone to whom she has felt a mutual, special connection in the past.